he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
