K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
