WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
