Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
