There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Randomize
