I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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