i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
