I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
