Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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