dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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