Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
