Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
