Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
