I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
