When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
