just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
