My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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