i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
