I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
