A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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