I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
