I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
time to smoke my breakfast
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
