So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
