have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
