Don't make out with my wife yet
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Congratulations! We have a period
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