Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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