I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
If that was your dad, he is hot
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
