Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
