I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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