Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
