Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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