Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
