so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
