I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Randomize
