Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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