It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
i now understand why vodka
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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