rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You left your underwear on the fireplace
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
