if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
