The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I didn't notice because vodka
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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