Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
