I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
