i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
