I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
