Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
