i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
