I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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