Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
