My hand turned me down
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
