just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
