He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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