Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
